(no subject)

Every now and again I am hit with a question or idea with which my feelings can not be properly conveyed through a one sentence facebook post; the most prevalent of which is this idea of "the end." Now, there are a couple of different ends that pop in to my head and get me thinking, such as what is at the end of human, or my, life. I assume there will be dirt and worms and such but what else lies at the end? I am not a religious person by any means but nor do I claim myself to be an athiest. I feel like there is some sort of compelling force in the nether or beyond but I refuse to give it a label or a name; it just is. However, where does my tiny little existence fit into this gigantic universe of ours? Yes my life as I know it will some day come to an end, but to think that physical death is the end-all of my existence, well, for some reason a refuse to accept it. I don't want to seem so entitled as to think my essence has more important things to live for then to just stick itself in the ground and stay there for eternity, but I can't help but wonder what lies beyond the finale of life. Furthermore what is at another huge end; the end of the universe. What lies at the farthest and vastest parts of the galaxy; is there even an end? To think about the grand scope of the universe and where little old humanity, or myself, fit into it is not only profoundly interesting but rather frightening. These are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night, and these are the questions I try to get myself to deal with because the emotion and utter fear that it conjures up in me simply cannot be ignored. For if these ideas bring forth such feelings in me that can only mean that there is importance and depth to them.

end random post.

I live!

Life; oh life. You've moved by so fast! Flying around like a busy bee from flower to flower; touching a little bit here and a little bit there.

I'm still with Kyle and we are still a functioning happy couple. I have no yet gone back to school and with the ever looming chance of a promotion racing towards me it seems like I'm not going back any time soon.

Looking at my past posts and thinking of how I've changed and grown I think one thing stands out the most; My ability to look past the small and in to the big. I no longer stress about the little happenings and missteps in life; instead focusing on the larger picture of self-fulfillment and self-respect. I think that's where my personality ends up having the most clashes with those around me; I've grown farther then those around me. All I can do is let everyone else grow into their own, not interjecting what I've found to work into their lives but rather support and console them with their personal decisions.

Looking back makes me remember some of the skills, passions and hobbies of days past and it fills me with joy and wonder. Some things have stayed stoic while others have exited only to come back again. I cherishe all the wonderful people I've met and the bonds that I have created with them; no matter the strength. My life experiences over the years have led me to one conclusion about the path to happiness; living and loving in the here and now. Holding dear and true those who you effect, large or small, on a daily basis. Like Sandra, an employee at the taqueria near where I work; who is always so cheerful and pleseant and delights in the fact I acknowledge her individual existence. The thing i love about my job the most is how it has taught me to hold dear the small interactions of everyday life. You're making an imprint right here, right now on another person; wouldn't you want it to be a positive one?

I hope so; for the sake of humanity I hope a lot of us out there do.

:o

I've suddenly found myself baking and cleaning and doing big-boy tasks. I guess in the absence of my parents I DO somehow know how to be a responsible adult. XD

Alcohol makes it better!

Got borderlands; is fun!  Had a cry yesterday and felt much better afterward.  Just needed to release all the pressure that had been building inside.  Today I am celebrating the night with an abundance of booze and video games.  Huzzah!

:D

Hit my seven month with kyle today. It's amazing how much we've both grown. <3 my man. :3

:o

Will Wright came into the sbux i was working at yesterday.  He gets a tall mocha frapucinno no whip. :D

(no subject)

Written on a piece of scratch paper, a proper representation of  the emotions running through my mind.  To be picked up and used, abused and tossed away.  I know they still appreciate me; I know he still loves me, but my mind can't help but ask why.  What reasoning is there for my to be on the recieving end of positivity?  I'm not worth it!  There are no redeeming qualities to my persona and being.  I know this is a past emotional wave finally making it to shore, pushed along by the gravity of my self-defeating tendencies.  I'm just tried of feeling like all I'm good for is other people's pleasure and happiness. Can I cash in some positive karma points?  That's a lie; the boy goes out of his way to make me happy.  That's why upsetting him hurt me so bad, and even though we're adults and talking it out I still have this lingering sense off self-doubt and destruction.  Getting my thoughts on paper always helps; even if it's virtual.  This is still the happiest I think I've been in my entire life, which is probably why fucking up really really hurts right now.  I thought I was over being a failure then it comes back and kicks me in the face to remind me who and what I really am.  Wow, that's fairly dramatic.  Just seeing my thoughts visually helps mee validate how rediculous they actually are.  This isn't something I would probably post for public display; but every now and again I think everyone gets a little curious on how everyone else's mental process works, so up it goes!

I love you all, and appreciate you all.  Life is beautiful, no matter what yourself or others may say. :)